Dont. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. It really doesnt feel like he likes you. Im going to read it again as soon Im done with this comment. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. He seems to be framing it as good diet and exercise will make you feel better rather than be thinner but I wonder if the latter is his true goal here. When people get all up on how logical and not swayed by petty emotions they are, I always end up thinking about the narrator of Ancillary Justice an AI whos been programmed with emotions because they *allow her to make better decisions*. Thanks again. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! I get the feeling that even if LW does everything the boyfriend wants, and eats all her veggies and does a few triathlons and gets a job modeling for Vogue and is elected President of the Universe, there will always still be something else for him to criticize. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). The LWs hard-won self esteem and motivation are ground down to their previous, pre-therapy levels I have an ex my friend refers to as The Physical Manifestation of MellifluousDissents (Formerly) Low Self-Esteem. I suspect this b/f may belong to that club as well. Comfort is a vital part of challenging yourself. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? This resonates with me on so many levels, but Im going to send on some advice from future-me that you can enjoy, or disregard as is entirely your desire, because I truly believe that you are the boss, expert and CEO of you. Second, this worries me, the idea that his view is likely if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Reasonable. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Apologise, and never say that to me again. Not really. He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). Because Im sure youve got enough I shoulds running through your head without him adding to the list. Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. Remind you when I see its not done? Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. Yeah sometimes it didnt go the way he planned and it caused some short term stressors for us, but better that than the alternative. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. Again, fine line. you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck.. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. When the passion is gone in a relationship it means the good stuff thats supposed to fuel you through the bad stuff is no longer there, meaning, theres simply no point in pretending I care if the girl has wacky opinions about something. When your boyfriend stops making an effort, there may be a good reason behind it. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). And if you have depression??? I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. You can tell that he isnt as into you anymore because of the lack of physical contact between both of you. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. Not once, not twice, but every time you call. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? I was going through a rough patch and he wanted to help me, and the only way he knew how was to be my cheerleader. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. 1) It really doesnt appear to be helping you (being berated and controlled is bad for humans) Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. for forward and backward evolution. He may, on some level, have convinced himself that all will be right with the world if youd just conform to his standards, but if he really, truly cared, hed look on the changes youve already made as big positives and cheer you on as you continue your journey towards better living. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. He is mad at you for not being good enough he wants you to feel like you have to earn his affection. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? And I think thats something a lot of people have trouble with, especially when they have an idea of how the right way to be is (Ive noticed that people who tend to be rational often have trouble with this that other people make decisions that they would not make and other people have reasons for those decisions that are just as real as their reasons for doing something different). He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. Id make it simpler still: There doesnt have to be any malice or entitlement in it. And exercise does help me it does! What can I say to make him want me again? Scrolling through my phone. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. Also, I think its wonderful you put food down in front of her. Do you believe and trust that the struggling person is doing the best they can within their limitations, and treat them as the expert on their own life? But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. He comes on strong. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. No. A big thing about this for me is the control he seems to want over your life. This boyfriend sounds a little like my mother, and finances have forced me to live with the rents for a bit, so I appreciate the tips and scripts Ive read here. Pick one.. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. Focusing on changing someone allows wounds to fester. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. He may have been okay when you were at your most down, but now that youre working with a therapist and coming out of the dark hole you were in, now that youre building your own confidence, motivation and self-respect, hes starting to sound like the sort of asshole who pulls himself up by putting you down. This is totally fine when your relationship is great. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. They are not partner micro-managing tools. And of course if theyre dodgy they tend to do it in a way that seems sufficiently different from our terrible family situation to be very well at least they dont do X thing. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. He both wanted me to look up to him, admire him, and follow his lead, and for me to be a more confident, assertive person who dressed sexier, partied heartier, and loved to dance. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. Youre should-ing all over yourself. Stuart Smalley (aka Sen. Al Franken). The people who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be women, personally). Sorry for the mix-up! Oh wow. Is he making home-cooked, healthy meals? 3. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. Again, voice of experience, you do not want the realization of how stressful he really is to be when youve been thrown back to the bottom of the well. The hurt and pain are felt by both people involved, but if your ex regrets what happened, they might be looking to get a reaction out of you. Reasonable. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. When a relationship is 50/50 on decisions (yes, you have equal say!) But now, today, you have already exercised. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. In this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all right now. Anonymous. So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. Some things Ive done to help encourage my partner with quitting smoking (which he successfully did years ago, yay) and exercising more are: think of specific, loving things you can do that might help this wont always be something you can do, but, for example, when he was trying to quit last time, I had learned from previous attempts that part of the problem was wanting something to put in his mouth. Did they worry when you left the house in a revealing outfit? Many sympathies. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. Thank you so much. On the other hand, if your boyfriend puts a lot of stock into what your therapist says, this line might work really well. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. I would say, How does blindly doing everything you say make me more adventurous? We would go round and round, but I never got through to him, because I wasnt willing to back my words with actions. Your email address will not be published. But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? Be sure to keep the tone of the conversation as calm and neutral as possible if you cant manage this then perhaps consider having a friend mediate for you until both of you are able to talk without getting too emotional about things. Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. It doesnt matter what a partner is interested in controlling, your food intake, your hairstyle, how much work you do, how much sleep you get; when theyre trying to control you and cannot seem to be redirected, it is time to take the advice of the Doctor. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). What was it that made him stop putting in the work? From what you are saying, I sense that no matter what happens with you, he will likely always want to maintain that edge and actually doesnt have the goal of you two being on the same level. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. And should usually comes from a not so great place. ), other peoples feelings are not an argument I can have theyre an axiom, or a postulate, or a piece of evidence I have inferred but theyre not a fucking argument. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. When its not great, things like this are no longer handled delicately If hes yelling at you over small things, there is no way his head is still in it. I cant leave my house very much. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. So before you jump ship, make sure to use your words. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. That doesnt. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. This is emotional abuse designed to make you feel incompetent and bend your will to his. What places in the city do you love going to most? The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. Stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, and healthy any malice or entitlement in it needs all. 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Your grip and be a total incompatibility for believing this just that it makes sense in the do... Is very into self-improvement, isnt good for you actually about you or are they all him! Fine when your boyfriend stopped trying will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will someone.
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